Is it wrong to want a cow? I mean, is it? Because one cow, singular, would probably be lonely. So that means you need to get another cow, plural, to keep the first cow happy. And lord knows how I feel about happy cows. But that also means doubling the original endeavor, which was a questionable one to begin with, even before we started exponentially tampering with it.
It's just that, well, I want a cow. And I want one for mostly all the wrong reasons (they're spotted, they have enormous wet noses, they have cool, floppy ears, I really dig udders) and only a few kind of righteous ones (I'd like to stop having an anxiety attack each time I think about eating and knowing that at least my milk--a commodity I consume daily in the form of well creamulated coffee--is in good conscious. Plus, have I mentioned the spots?)
But really, it's rather dumb-founding. I dropped out of my college major pretty much entirely because of cows. It was essentially cows and all things cow related (cow comma boys, cow comma shit, cow comma farts) that single footedly (hoofed?) stopped me from going to vet school, jettisoning (oh the rapture) me from Middle America comma Colorado to Santa Cruz comma lovely. And apparently somewhere in the wash of beachy Santa Cruz and life in the hood I've acquired the common misconception that cows and cow barns and milking sheds and tractors are all kind of quaint little accessories, requiring little to no actual work. At least, nothing too hard. If anything, they are an entire category of reasons to buy more and different clothes from J. Crew. Cows don't die unexpectedly and almost without warning in the middle of the night when the temperature is just south of negative ten degrees, they don't crap all over their cow pants, they don't necessitate the use of stubborn, diesel spitting tractors with temperamental carburetors and they always come running, obediently (gleefully really) tossing their enormous cow heads in the light summer breeze, whenever summoned.
Yup. One. Hundred. Percent. Malarkey. But you know what? I still totally want one. I can't help it. And you know I'm going to name them Bessie and Maude. Because I'm original like that.
